Emergency personnel would like to reiterate
that the mudslide in question is a natural disaster,
not a giant alcoholic beverage.
They ask that citizens please stop driving toward it.
And in lighter news,
it's time to turn our spotlight on a local loony.
Let's meet Joy Turner, Camden's Loser of the Week.
There was a reason why Joy was on the Camden Loser of the Week segment,
and it was all my fault. It started a few years back
when Joy was making an audition tape for Fear Factor.
Unfortunately, I was responsible for sending the tape in and...
it didn't quite make it there.
So I got her another shot at being famous
on a game show where people can challenge Erik Estrada to anything,
but instead of becoming famous, she looked like a psycho,
and even worse, I wound up blowing Darnell's cover
in the witness protection program,
which meant the family had to pack, except for one member.
As you all know from the fliers I put up,
Mr. Turtle remains lost.
The good news is: I gave him plenty of survival training,
so I expect his imminent return. So here's his food,
his favorite scarf, and his lip balm for the dry season.
Next thing we knew,
the government snatched Joy, Darnell and the boys away.
And even though me and Randy were woozy from the needles stuck in our necks,
I still knew what I had to do.
I promised Joy I'd make her dream come true.
We got to find them. Which wasn't going to be easy
'cause the Turner family was already in a witness relocation facility.
I know it's small, but it was good enough for Tupac.
You didn't hear that.
DARNELL OUTED (PART 2)
Joy, Darnell and the kids were waiting to start their new lives.
We have been locked for hours...
No idea where we are or what happens next...
and I still don't know what you did to get in the program in the first place.
Nobody does, except for Mr. Turtle,
and it's not like he's telling anybody,
for one, because he's lost, and for two,
you know, he's a turtle.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner, sorry to keep you waiting so long.
Inside this packet you will find your new family identity.
I'll give you a little time to look it over.
The Rosensteins?
I do speak Hebrew.
We're from Columbus... We bowl.
Other hobbies include designing clothes for our pet collie.
We got to get something better than this.
We're trailer park underachievers with two hyperactive, pre-diabetic kids.
How is this not better?
Since we didn't know where to start,
we combed the trailer park, looking for any clue we could find.
Then, one walked right by us.
Sorry, I didn't see you over there. You're on my bad side.
Bad side? No way.
The side with the eye patch kicks ass.
Any mail for the Turners?
They must have moved because all their mail is being forwarded.
- Any idea where their mail's going? - Don't know.
Just know it's being forwarded.
That got me thinking.
If Joy and Darnell's mail was finding them, I could, too.
You know, you spend years hoping for an excuse
to mail yourself somewhere in a cool wooden crate,
but when you actually get in the crate, it's not so glamorous.
All this complaining, and you guys are in a first-class box.
Americans are so spoiled.
While me and Randy were trying to get to Joy,
Joy was trying to get to the life she wanted.
So you're not happy with the name you've been given.
That's right.
You'd like your name to be Goldie Crystal.
My full name would be Goldilocks,
it's pronounced "Cristal" like what Diddy drinks.
Sorry. New identities are worked out in a top secret wing of the Pentagon.
The names are the result of complicated mathematical algorithms.
Phyllis and Marty Rosenstein?
Look at this face. Do I look like a Phyllis to you?
No, I look like the woman Marty leaves Phyllis for.
I'm just trying to help.
They don't have this in Columbus.
I got to be from some place classy like Panama City Beach, Florida.
And one more thing: a lady like me don't make clothes for dogs.
Only thing I ever sewed was my stab wound on prom night.
With all due respect, Mrs. Rosenstein,
things don't work that way.
This is who you are now.
Give it some time. You'll get used to it.
Not now.
He wouldn't let me change one mouse-farting thing.
I guess I'm really going to be Phyllis Rosenstein
for the rest of my life.
It's just a name. We're still the same people,
except we're Jewish
and they're considering changing my blood type.
O positive.
Mommy, did you get our new names changed?
Ira, Lenny,
I did all I could.
This is exciting.
Yeah, it kind of is, Randy.
We haven't taken a trip together in a long time.
That's if you don't count my dreams every night
where we visit all the great places in the world.
Last night we were on a safari.
You made love to a hippo.
You always make love in my dreams.
Someone's coming.
If that's you in there, have a good vacation.
We were on our way to get to Joy and Darnell,
and we weren't the only ones looking for 'em.
While we were heading out to find the Turners,
the Turners were turning into the Rosensteins.
Dag, I can't believe it took me into my 30s
to find out I look this good in tweed.
Shalom, Dad.
Shalom, boys.
Baby, come out. Let's see who Marty gets to cuddle with tonight.
Oh, man.
Perfect. No one will pay any attention to you,
especially men.
I know.
How could you do this to me?
It's like you took an episode of The Swan and ran it backwards.
Oh, my God. I'm a before.
We all got to sacrifice.
They're going to surgically take my hair off and graft it to my face.
It's a new process, we're very proud of it.
Here's a picture of what he'll look like.
And we plan on you gaining 30 pounds.
Double-stuffed tater skins?
You're trying to turn me into a fatty.
You're trying to mess with this?
Hell, no.
Where is she going?
Does she know we're in a bunker half a mile under the Mall of America?
Baby, you in here?
It's hard to track her when she's not chewing gum.
I usually just follow the scent of strawberry-kiwi Hubba Bubba.
Listen, you got to get her under control.
She's a risk, Harry.
That's why you were advised to leave Camden,
so you wouldn't get mixed up with people like her.
That's my wife.
You were only supposed to be in Camden for six months.
Now, if you'd taken that job we had for you in Tokyo,
you would have been the one who invented Dance Dance Revolution,
but you wanted to waste your life in a trailer park.
That wasn't a waste. That was the best decision of my life.
You could have left Camden?
They wanted you to leave Camden
and go off to the glamorous beaches of Tokyo, and you didn't do it?
I couldn't leave my baby.
I love you, Marty Rosenstein.
I'll hold up my end of the deal,
no matter how much it hurts.
I hear you.
They're going to snip off the tip of my penis tomorrow.
Being in that box was fun at first,
but 6 hours and 3 truck changes later,
the fun was wearing off.
This is horrible.
I'm starving, and I already ate the emergency jerky I keep in my cheek.
All right, I was going to save this for later, but...
I caught a cricket.
- You want to split it? - Yes, please.
What do you want... breast or thigh?
Breast.
This must be a female one. I taste a little milk.
I got to taste something else to make the flavor go away.
You're not licking me.
Don't you see what's happening?
Getting shocked, eating bugs.
These are things Joy did on her Fear Factor tape.
Karma's punishing us for ruining her dream.
We're stopping.
- I think we're here. - What do we do now?
Wait for them to open us.
Knowing all Darnell sacrificed for her,
Joy decided to be the best Phyllis Rosenstein ever.
We're going to start with a grocery store.
Excuse me, Miss,
you look so familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
I don't know. See if any of this rings a bell.
I was raised in Columbus, Ohio, but I was born in Sandusky.
I was bat-mitzvahed at Temple Beth Torah.
What a party.
Had my first dance with Shmokey Bernstein.
He grabbed my tucchus.
So she memorized everything about Phyllis.
I've been designing for 8 years.
My company is called "Collie want a cracker."
I have to say my signature piece is the puppy peacoat.
She even learned to speak Jewish.
That cricket breast isn't settling very well in my stomach.
Joy threw up, so Karma's going to make you throw up, too.
Don't worry, Earl. I'm not going to thr...
Damn it, Randy, now I'm going to throw...
What the hell?
We're in a dumpster.
We covered Joy in garbage on her audition tape.
This one's to Peter Dick Johnson,
that guy who used to live in the trailer park.
Remember how much we used to make fun of his name?
Those were some fun times.
I heard he jumped in front of a train.
All this stuff has been stamped, "Forward."
Must be mailed for people who moved.
The post office isn't forwarding it.
Oh, man, and there are so many letters in here
for Santa Claus and God.
They're gonna be pissed
when they find out they didn't get their mail.
And those are two guys you do not want to piss off.
I can't believe Karma would put us through all this just to punish us.
I mean, the bugs and the box and the throw-up.
And all for nothing? What the hell is going on?
Son of a bitch.
It's a letter from Estrada or Nada.
Joy could get another chance to be on the show. Listen.
"Send in this application,
"a check for $50 made out to Erik Estrada,
"and get your friends to text message their vote for you."
That's it, Randy. That's why Karma brought us here.
If we can get Joy on that show again,
she'll come back from anywhere in the world to be on it.
That's great, Earl.
Where can we find a check
that's already made out to Erik Estrada?
In order to get to Joy, we started at Jasper's.
Somebody left a tooth in this retainer.
Yeah, that's a nice tooth.
It's nicer than yours.
If you pulled out your front tooth, that thing would fit perfect.
Good idea.
- I'll take these. - Why you need all my cell phones?
For text voting.
One of the Camden contestants on Estrada or Nada
had some bad mayonnaise and died for three minutes.
He's alive now, but in no shape to compete.
Now they're having a contest to see who's gonna replace him.
That's messed up.
Your one shot at fame undone by a condiment.
I feel smarter already.
I'll be right back. My money's in the car.
Oh, buddy.
I passed out the cell phones to everyone I knew
and asked them to text their vote for Joy
to get a chance to compete against Erik Estrada.
Sure, I'll text for Joy.
Maybe if she comes out of hiding, the bad guys will kill her.
Everybody spent the next two days texting votes
and crank-calling each other.
By the time they announced the winner,
we had the whole Crab Shack rooting for Joy.
Now it's time for the results of the text-in vote
to see who will replace the victim of the mayonnaise tragedy,
go head-to-head with me and find out if they're...
Estrada or Nada.
And the winner is...
Joy Turner.
And we weren't the only ones watching.
Joy Turner.
Did you hear that?
America has spoken, and they've spoken for me.
Baby, I feel terrible.
I always wanted to make you happy, and I'm keeping you from your chance
to be famous and possibly be in Parade magazine.
Are you kidding me?
I'd rather becPhyllis Rosenstein,
keep wearing these granny panties and have my family
than to whup Erik Estrada and have nobody to share it with.
Besides, we ain't allowed to work today anyway.
It's Shabbat.
Marty, time to change your blood type.
- Let's go. - Okay.
I love you, baby.
What the hell?
You got the rest of your life to be Phyllis Rosenstein.
You deserve one more chance to be Joy Turner.
Time to find out if you're Estrada or Nada.
Where the hell is Joy? Maybe she didn't see the commercial.
Maybe she's here, but we don't know it because they changed her identity.
She could be anyone.
She could be a Chinese dude.
She could be that Chinese dude.
It's not her.
I'm out of ideas.
I was starting to think this whole thing was a waste of time,
but at least I wasn't on stage getting humiliated.
Alas, poor Yorick.
I knew him, Horatio.
A man of infinite jest
and excellent fancy.
To be... or nada to be!
Coming up next was supposed to be Camden's Joy Turner
going head-to-head against Erik Estrada
to see who has the better circus variety act,
but unfortunately, it looks like Joy is a no-show.
- I guess that means that Erik... - Does this look like a no-show to you?
Erik Estrada, your ass is mine!
It is on now, people.
It is on!
And it was on.
Joy did a weird stretchy, sing-y thing.
But Erik Estrada matched
Joy's amazing musical circus stunt with one of his own.
They were both so good,
the judges decided it would go into a...
Tiebreaker!
Joy got to pick the first tiebreaker,
so she chose the body part she used to win every fight:
her mouth.
But to her surprise,
Erik Estrada's nickname wasn't Hot Tongue
just 'cause he was a good kisser.
And when breathing fire didn't break the tie,
Erik Estrada chose his secret weapon:
playing music on wineglasses.
But it turns out, Joy was just as good.
They're going again!
That's when Joy came up
with the one thing she knew no one else could beat her at:
a combination of all her new skills.
She called it dressing a dog while talking Hebrew
with a follow-up trivia question about Ohio.
Okay, here we go with our trivia question
about the great state of Ohio.
Everyone knows
that East 105th Street and Euclid Avenue in Cleveland
was the location of the first pedestrian button
for the control of a traffic light.
Name the boy chosen for the 1948 newsreel
to demonstrate its operation.
Okay, time's up. Your answers, please.
The correct answer is...
L-O-
U- I-S. Oh, my God! I can't believe this!
Joy is right!
The great one has fallen.
Congratulations, Joy Turner.
I gotta tell you.
You remind me of a young me.
Full of drive and passion.
And an esoteric knowledge of Ohio.
Get ready, Joy Turner.
You're about to be famous.
You made this happen, didn't you?
I knew you weren't a nada,
and I wanted to make sure everybody else knew it, too.
We better go.
Soon thousands of agents will be swarming down on us.
While it's cool in movies,
it's not so cool when you're the one being swarmed up on.
I guess this is it.
I know I might have divorced you,
and kicked you out of your own house,
and tried to kill you,
multiple times...
but it all came out of love.
I know, Joy.
I'm gonna miss you, guys.
We've had a good run, Randy.
Some of the stuff you've said will stay with me forever.
Like "What if dogs had legs like shrimps."
- Shrogs. - Or drimps.
Shrogs.
- Or drimps. - Shrogs!
Let's not do this again. Good-bye, Randy.
Bye, Darnell.
Good-bye, Earl.
After everything me and Joy had been through,
and after all the things we'd yelled and screamed at each other over the years,
I was surprised to find there was one thing I couldn't say.
You didn't say good-bye.
I'll tell them next time.
Subtitles: Jarick & loky